Depression | It's Not All in the Mind.

06.09.2018 – What does Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams have in common? Both of them died hanging themselves as they have gone through depression with Bourdain recently put Mental Health in focus throughout the weekend. It was a discussion everyone should address. There are a lot of people out there who is going through a tough time and not just famous individuals, but those who have struggled everyday. It’s a difficult time for everyone going through depression and its not just being “sad.”

When news went out about Bourdain’s passing it was a shock for most that have followed the celebrity chef myself included. I’ve been a fan when the first time I have watched episode reruns of “No Reservation” on Discovery Channel that catapulted his career as a well travelled personality that everyone dreams about.

It inspired a lot of people to travel amidst the fame and success it’s all just in the surface. But underneath is something probably Bourdain is what really going through his head. For Robin Williams it was a different story as he has been going through depression with struggling after being diagnosed with Lewy Body disease that he want to “reset his mind” with hanging himself in 2014.

Loss of Personal Heroes

Robin Williams and Anthony Bourdain were two of my personal heroes. The guy that made me laugh and the other that inspired me to travel even if it is just living in the city would consider telling a story through my photos. Both gentlemen where an inspiration and now they’re both gone, but I still have heroes I follow its just that Williams was one of my favorite actors growing up seeing him explore in Mork & Mindy as a child caught my attention. Though I have never seen all his films or his TV shows I make up to the point in seeing him portray these characters.

Like any fan when Williams passed away I mourn him and now with Bourdain. With the famous well-travelled chef he broadened my view of the world and challenged everyone to dare and taste good food at the same time meet people.



Decades of Depression

For most people who don’t understand about depression its not just about being “sad” just like my heroes I also have been going through depression in and out for more than a decade. You can say society is a competitive world its fight or flight and most of the times I lost its psychological scar that won’t heal. Its either rejection or how you’ll be treated which depends on how you react. I can’t blame society for what it is the same goes with social media, but the people who I used to be associated with. Because most of us needs acceptance and being used and abused is not one of them to propel their means of success.

A couple months ago while I was having a check-up due to a minor accident at work it was confirmed by a GP (General Practioner) that I was dealing with depression. There are different levels the most extreme is close to being suicidal, and it’s a “no turning back” when you’re in this state of mind.

A Little “Hope” Left

I have been close to being one several times, but what made me stop from killing myself is that I still have enough logic or for in straight up comparison to going nuclear is to having a “fail-safe” device the ability to still question myself. Some would troll and say an act of cowardice to not end myself, but know this ending oneself is not an act of courage its how I try to find a way to deal with this. For some who are having a very difficult time it’s really tough being rejected and treated poorly.

I still experience anxiety attacks and it’s not a good episode when you’re disoriented and waking up in the middle of the night. The other part when you’re going through depression is that whenever success you accomplish I felt nothing. Passing one subject when the engine we rebuilt a few months ago when it was started didn’t give me any feeling of satisfaction. I felt no joy or sigh of relief just purely dead inside and that’s still the same feeling I go through every waking day.

There is Some Helpline that Don’t Help

Sometime in April of this year I was having an intense anxiety attack that a friend couldn’t take anymore of how I felt. Being rejected from finding work and having a tough time going through studies it took a toll on me that my friend advised I call the helpline and I followed her advice for that week during school break.

What these helpline does is ease the tension what you go through and in my head I was hoping actual help would be great like probably lead me to finding opportunity for work. But the truth is they actually ease what your going through talk to you what you’re dealing with. What is not-so helpful is making you wait for them as they can’t accommodate the calls they receive and they have a time limit. What if it’s too little to late to speak to someone on the other line?

The conversation sometime helps but actual help would suffice that can also benefit what I really need. But due to the time limit I was passed around to another helpline that was a total waste of time. I’d rather find something else to distract my anxiety than wait on a queue to speak to someone with my anxiety. But this depends on who’s having difficulty that maybe this can find solace for some to speak with in a helpline.

Find the ones you Trust and Have Faith

Even though unlike Bourdain I still believe there is something up there. Though born a Catholic I don’t firmly believe in fantasy. What I believe there is someone or anyone out there who will save me from the deep anxiety I go through everyday. Because I no longer have the strength or the enthusiasm that I used to be all I deal now is this burden and responsibility that I have with me.

Sure, I have made mistakes in the past too that may also have resulted in my predicament but let us not point fingers. There are things I go through internally with my personal demons that I want to extinguish. Life is not going to be fair and I chose not to rest in the same routine that plagued me in the past.

Besides dealing with my struggles some of them are skin deep too because not everyone is born with an attractive appearance or the quick wit intelligence to be that perfect someone, which leads to more rejections. So I give up that part and not think about it anymore than it adds painful things I rather not discuss.

At the end of the day I know someone or anyone out there will not let me down that’s the part of me why I have not ended myself. Because I still have little faith and hope left in me that I know I’ll live. But to ask me if I’m happy I no longer have that state of mind as I feel nothing more than just want a peace of mind that I try to fight in my waking days and in my sleep.